The worst part of living with PTSD is not knowing you have it. Most days you wake up dispirited with no authentic reason to be. You wake up exasperated at the world for no authentic reason. People try to socialize with you but you’re not genuinely there. Watchful at every move anyone makes. Feeling paranoid for no reason. The shakes so deplorable you cerebrate you are commencing to get old man jitters at 30 years old. The pack of cigarettes you bought last night are gone by 9am and now it’s time to open another pack. By 3pm your second pack of smokes are gone and time to open another pack. A co-worker cracks a joke but you don’t find it comical while everyone else does. You’re deemed to be a weird one to be around because you’re not convivial with others. You veraciously find nothing erroneous with yourself, on the contrary, you believe shits erroneous with others. Everyone seems too frolicsome or jolly all the damn time. People find it hard to hang around you because you’re always in a lamentable mood or so earnest all the time. All the while you believe you’re just fine. If you’re feeling dispirited, irate, and exasperated or whatever your day wakes you up to, you just shrug it off and move on.
It’s arduous to find interest in doing things. Whether it’s at work, at home or convivially. When you do decide to go somewhere it’s like you’re not there anyway. Being silent or always argumentative is a component of your everyday life. When you look back in time you recollect that growing up you were never like you are now but only blame it on age and experiences. If someone blames you for something you take it to heart and become raged at them. Most days you wake up wanting to yell at the top of your lungs. It’s hard to handle what people genuinely think of you. Then there are days you wonder if you authentically accommodate a purpose in this world. Nothing can ever work out the way you make it out in your head. When it rains it pours.
The VA keeps endeavoring to give you these damn pills to cope with your pain. All it does is sugar coat the problem with no authentic solution. Under all those pills there’s still that person, it’s who you are now and this is how you will live the rest of your life. It’s up to you to own it, surmount it and make a difference for yourself. No pill can do that for you no matter how good the VA or Doctors verbally express it will work for you. Make the compulsory effort to change back to that person you once were, find positive influence in your life to avail you through your struggle and supportive people. The people that love you the most are your most voluminous adherents. Don’t be afraid to have friends. Although at one point in your life having a friend designated you might lose them to battle, this battle is much different now and you can now have a friend to lean on. Find something you’re proficient at. Not proficiently good at anything? That’s OK, keep trying new things until you find that one thing you become zealous about. Whether its arts and crafts, exercising, writing, motorcycle riding, horseback riding and whatever else you find regaling to engage in just do it and stick with it. You will commence to transmute and others will optically discern it as well. You’ll become more approachable and social with others. Your FEARS will gradually start to vanish. Your FEARS will still be there but you’ll learn to trust remotely more and cope with your inner demons. Just recollect, own it and don’t let PTSD own you.